I know it’s been a few months since you’ve all heard from me. Please forgive me. I’ve been extremely busy cleansing my liver with iced lemon water as I prepare to sell my soul because I don’t have an upgrade and this new iPhone 7 Plus with 256GB in Jet Black is dropping tomorrow. I know I shouldn’t do it but I have no choice. There’s no way I’ll become a Kardashian-by-marriage with an iPhone 6s Plus. You got to do what you got to do, right?
Anyway, back to business. There’s been so much new music that has dropped since my last appearance on Artistic Manifesto. I have so many opinions and so much to say but I don’t have the time to present it all. With that being said, let’s pretend you’re fresh out of the barber shop. Your edge up is sharper than Steve Harvey’s on his wedding day and your beard might not have connected yet, but your barber did some wild shit to make it look fully established. You open the driver side door of your vehicle and turn the ignition on. You plug in your aux cord as the tears begin to form in the corners of your left eye because the new iPhone will no longer support an aux and you don’t have a car with Bluetooth options. Then it hits you: what artist am I about to listen to? Which artist really represents this fire haircut your barber spent thousands to master? These questions are hard to answer at times so I’ve curated a short track list for you to brush with the grain to.
Lil Uzi Vert – “Stole Your Luv”
There is absolutely no way you can listen to Uzi with a clean edge up. His music has been different ever since him and Brittany split ways like Laura when Stephon transformed back into Urkel. Uzi represents the days of beards full of mad scruff and struggle connections like McDonald’s Wi-Fi.
21 Savage – “No Heart”
“Young savage, why you trappin’ so hard? (21, 21) Cause my barber cuts in a garage” 21 Savage truly represents the untamed and ungroomed. Please keep his music far from your temp fade.
Travis Scott – “Beibs in the Trap”
With an uncredited Nav on the hook and first verse of “Beibs in the Trap”, you can be sure this song was meant for you to walk into the house party with a 6,000 bristle brush to help keep your waves moving forward. You have to take a picture in the bathroom mirror with a VSCO filter, six girls you’ve never met, and your hand covering your eyes while this song is playing.
A Boogie With Da Hoodie – “My Sh*t”
You cannot have a clean fade in a club when this comes on. This song is okay for back to school shopping and waiting in line at the barber shop. It’s probably one of my favorite songs right now but nothing about this song screams Cantu Leave In Conditioner.
Young M.A. – “Ooouuu”
This song sounds so much like New York City you need a quarter water when you ask your barber for a caesar with a part and ask him if he knows anyone that sells Timberlands for the low. You have to open your locker with the same hand you sculptured your man-bun with while this song plays out of your iPhone.
Yo, I’m sorry but I have to end this track list a little shorter than I thought because I just got a text from my phone carrier and they’re reminding me that pre-orders for the iPhone 7 start at 12:01 AM. I have to go listen to “March Madness” twelve times in a row and pray the representative I get connected to just started working so I can finesse her for an upgrade. I’ll probably recite the lyrics to “Child’s Play” and tell her I’ll miss her before we hang up.
P.S. Please stay away from any new music from Tyga when you first get a haircut. I heard he signed to G.O.O.D Music and I’m worried it was a favor for Kim K. As soon as Kanye regrets this signing, your hairline will probably take a few steps back like a QB looking for an open receiver.